My poor family! Today has just been one of those days. I woke up grouchy, and everyone knew it. Everything about a home changes when Mom's in a bad mood. It's kind of unfair, really, for the Mom to have so much riding on her mood, but it is what it is!
It may surprise some people to know that over the last few years, I have become a very optimistic person. Most days, I wake up and couldn't be more excited about life! I am FULL of gratitude and couldn't be happier.
This is a stark contrast to my life four years ago. I was deeply depressed and usually had no desire to get out of bed in the morning. I hated myself, felt burdened by my responsibilities, and felt like a failure pretty much every single day. It was bad; really bad most of the time. I hid it pretty well from everyone, everyone except my parents, Jeff and our kids. At a time in my life when I should have been full of excitement about my growing family and our life together, I mostly felt sadness, fear, loneliness, and even indifference. One day I came across an article in the Ensign that was just what I needed to hear. It talked about depression, it talked about the fact that depression is an illness and no matter what you are doing right, (ie: reading your scriptures, praying, desiring to get better) you will not be able to do it without help. Not just the Lord's direct help but also help from therapy or medicine or whatever. For anyone interested, you can find the article I read at www.lds.org, October 2005 Ensign, "Myths About Mental Illness" by Elder Alexander B. Morrison.
So, after several years of being on some type of anti-depressant, as well as some insightful sessions with a therapist at LDS family services, I am at a place where I don't dread the morning anymore, where I never feel helpless, worthless, and alone, (sometimes I may feel one of these, but never all of them at the same time).
As painful as it is to even remember what I felt like then, I am grateful for being able to remember, because now, even on my worst days, when my hormones are out-of-whack, or I haven't gotten enough sleep, or I'm just plain grouchy because I'm on a diet that seems to be never-ending and all I really want to do is eat cake, I know it's nothing compared to what I've already been through!
8 comments:
I love you Marcie! Can't wait to see you guys!!
I think you are brave, wonderful, compassionate and beautiful, and I am privledged to call you my friend.
I love that. And might I say, and have been meaning to say for quite some time is that you look great. Every time I see you, I think you look so skinny.
I love the sunshine after the refiner's fire. You are looking skinny. I think I must be picking up what you are losing.
Perfect Marcie. I do understand and I do hate when I'm in a funk and my kids take the brunt. Oh well, all the more reason for our men to try to keep us happy right? :D
Marcie
I am glad you posted this. So many people think that if one is really depressed one can just "snap out of it". It ain't that easy. It is an illness. While I haven't gone through this I have gone through PPD after Aaron. I think you look great! I also think you are such a sweet person. I am glad to have met you.
Marcie
I just love you. I personally think you always look fabulous. We all have those days.
And I always say... Let them eat cake. Life is to be enjoyed. You can always make it a small piece.
This is a belated comment, but Marcie I wanted to thank you for writing this and putting it out in the open. I read (and bookmarked) the Morrison article. I have had the same problem for awhile and have been treated for the last year or so. But when I read your post, it was like a nice pat on the back to go back and talk to my doctor again because things weren't working.
I really appreciate you being able to just put it out there and be honest and open like that. It is really admirable and you should be proud of yourself. I guess you could even call yourself "inspirational"! Point being it was a comfort to read and I love you for it.
Emily
(I'm Kristin's friend from high school who comes to visit every year. :) )
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